Dilemma

The anger rushes into my veins, I feel my heart imploding, and everything start spinning.. is it just a normal panic attack? Whatever it is. I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a ghost floating looking beyond and watching myself .. how  i act, think and just be. How I am. And I'm almost sure that I don't like what i see. it's so paradoxical and strange.. to shed your thick skin and let the world gets under it.. the anger and rage outside has found a home inside of my being.. 

I cant fathom it anymore .. did i let it dilute my essence till i'm no longer me, myself? or i was so light and almost finished and these feeling dwell me and somehow added a little bit of soul into me?

What am I and what define me? A lot of questions and theories keeps on imprison me more and more.. I guess I'm stuck inside this dilemma forever ... 

What dilemma is worse than do you exist and create or you're just a standing still creature who lays around waiting for salvation? 

Oh, I hope I'm alive and have a willpower between my finger before it all slips away.

I'm my own dilemma.. I need to wake up.

Aftermath

What is it with the Pandora box of secrets we all carry around? I doubt that no one's his own box. It's getting so messy. Secrets and paranoia cloud our minds and finally drive us off the edge. We try so hard to fight the one voice inside our minds telling us how to act, how to speak and even how to think. What kind of life is this? Guarding our sanity by literally driving our minds insane. No one signed up for this. 

The aftermath of certain actions and acts will always follow around and will shot your brains off til you wake up someday, drowning in your own blood bath, but you'll be standing and looking around you like a ghost. No self awareness nor higher level of spirituality shall stop your mind from wandering around those memories, acts or thoughts. You'll always be haunted. But it's your call to keep running or to stop and face the music and eventually dance on its beats.

 

Dare To Dream

 The beauty of being a human is the process of manifesting and translating emotions and thoughts into a tangible work.

The climax of creativity that hits humans’ brains is fascinating.

Haven't you been in an art museum before and there was this intriguing piece of art that caught not only your eye but your whole attention?

Or, you're scrolling through this certain website and then there was this article that knocked your senses outta your body of how intense and witty and meaningful it was? 

Haven't you wondered how can someone be that brilliant and their brain comprehend this much of ingenuity and innovation?

I've always wanted to immerse myself into a brain while being in this state of creation, just to see the process and the contradictions, ups and downs, the ideas, the sensations, and all of the things attached.. All coming into life and connecting in a way of ultimate satisfaction to create this one and whole idea that changes our worlds .. Even for a moment.

Creating is a powerful yet underestimated superpower that God has blessed us with.

To be able to feel, really feel with all of our senses the message the world is trying to send us. Our vision and insights just radiate when we feel that essence of who we are and the passion that ignites through one's being. All of those are the signs of change and revolution.

This aura of awakening one's purposes .. Why are we taking it for granted?

In order to see the beauty around us, we gotta face the music and be brave. The mere ability of breaking all the boundaries that were set by bitter emotions.. rage, envy, illusions?

Bravery, it takes it all. 

Dare to dream.. and viva la Soñadoras.

Bright Lights

 It all starts with a simple gesture. An innocent greeting. A simple glance. A delightful help. A spontaneous eye contact. Beginnings start in different ways and by various reasons. They're always beautiful, radiant and happy. Nothing could ever go wrong. Just like a mesmerizing sunset, it hypnotizes you, draws you in and make you want more and connects your dots. But, hey, slow down, you're going to get burnt severely and deeply. You may never heal from this burn; you could also get a scar. Here I am.

Welcoming you into this world of lies. Get ready and brace yourself. In our world, be easy and slow about cutting your chains, some may be not tamed and hunt you down. Stay steady and slow. Don’t get sick of trying. Wait. And wait longer. Don’t let the bright lights fool you, dumbass. Don’t make any move before you think it through. Slowly and deeply, take your measures. You shall find a lot of standards that may or may not hypnotize you. Promises are like bridges, don’t you dare break them. Lock your heart and hide it away.  

Pardon?

There's too much sadness and grief inside of me that I cannot grasp what I am made of. Am I made of broken glass? Maybe that's why I have a fragile heart and that every word hurts my naked soul and I bleed in hidden tears. Am I made of chaos? That would explain why my mind is always running in circles. Am I made of mistakes and unspoken truth? That would be the reason why I hurt myself just to protect her from falling and drowning all over again. Am I made of the ashes of burnt love? Because I love fighting for everyone but I go into battles with my own thoughts every single night. I guess i am made of several wounds and scars that I hide everyday, because of how much I hate the looks of empathy and vulnerability. I detest what I'm made of because I carry myself heavily..
Darling, I wait every night, I tell myself to search for nothing yet for a healing..
They say time heals but it hurts and burns my wounds.
In no control of my own.. I belong to nobody and nothing
Forget my name
I will be free .. I'm in need of help and shelter
Take me to a mountain today because It might save me from my mind
An ocean full of love is all you shall ever drown into when you see me
But, if only I could save you from my waves and help you to the shore of safety
I'm no stable and no longer worth it
And please, no arguments now
Wait and see, your heart will know
I'm no longer worth it
you have to search for a simple way to put yourself through that
I sent you a warning sign and,
your eyes choose not to see
Flames will have been easier for you
But my tides controlled you
Over the wall, you seek the magic of my words and rarity of my existence
But, darling, what about the silence that will deaf you from curiosity ?
You are so brave, I hope you fly and never feel my heart again
Hurt is all I shall bring you
Pardon my mistakes
I had no intention nor interest to push you off the ledge and watch your heart fall
I needed to catch you..
But it's too late now
Surrender to yourself and walk
Away from me..
Hurt is all I shall bring you.

Souls Apart

She was standing there,
In front of the sunset, the blue sky intertwined with the golden sun, radiating a mix of refreshing aura to the lost souls.

She had been always regarding herself a lonely soul among others.

Everyone had their own realistic perspective, it was calming but deadly for their own sake.

Who would be okay with such narrow dull sight of life? Look at the sky, that endless space of hopes and dreams even if it will all end soon, Let us believe in tomorrow with no limits to that belief. Look at the ocean, that bottomless space of freedom and serenity even if it will all dry up soon, Let us embrace our faults and be in harmony with them.

Have you ever wondered what drifting away from your own body felt like? I felt that. The day i finally was awakened by the ultimate love which my heart buried. You see, when your soul wakes up from your bones and wander through your heart and rip off that bandage of your senses, then only then, you have the privilege to experience your ultimate and infinite.

It's all in your head. You're too scared to let yourself, truly and genuinely, feel.

You stand alone with all of your ironic thoughts, those demons who haunts your passion and hunt your heart down. You're too weak to face the fiery fury of change inside of your eyes. You're too tired to fight, even tho you've been fighting the wrong battle all along. You're never happy, any twinkling of joy dances around you, stings you like hell.

You're not living, are you? You hardly exist.

The atoms, the flowers, the stars, the oceans, the colors that you were created with, they are all wasted. Why don't you unite your being with your soul?

I had a dream, the lucky ones are the only ones who reach their infinity..
And you are not one of them.

Let the rain turn your colors into a mess.

Wasted mess. You let your being suffer..No courage shall ever greet you. No tranquility ever reached your brain. Just noisy wind that sings lullaby to your greedy demons.

Oh, well.. What a terrific coincidence.

I hope I may never cross your path again.

Have a cloudy mind just like your days.

This is the bittersweet goodbye.

A Lullaby

Emotions aren't that easy to  understand. They say that you are in control of what you do and feel and think. you're the master of your mind and heart. It's easy and simple but, is it? It's not. Thoughts are like a quick meteorite floating through the vast space, captivating yet far away.. it symbolizes the impossible. Lethal thoughts are like the reddish tinted poison that looks like a delicious glass of wine, distracting yet pleasing.
I don't worry about what my mind  might do to me because honestly, I did it to myself, right? I mean.. aren't I the master of my being?
It amazes me sometimes how hurt and pain can engulf one's passion to just survive and breathe.. like to only breathe. Nothing more nothing less, it gets harder and more complicated to be there.
Living is for the crazy and passionate ones. The red fired ones, those who state a strong impression and fearlessly challenging. It's not a place for any grey toned bodies like mine, a corpse living among different colored minds and souls, just struggling to find my way out this morgue. My colors had been sucked out my being just because I let my mind and its demons feed on my fears and love.
I didn't surrender to them, I saw how right they were, how foolishness has made me its puppet. I was captured as a prisoner in a cage that wasn't mine. I let the chains down on my wings, day by day burning them up until they were cut off. The fire that once made me warm and strong, had extinguished my aura. There are no longer any sparks floating inside me. If there were any seeds of growing roses, they are all wilted now. My only wish was to change the world, but oh well looks like the world left its own ashy print on my crystal glass heart.. turning it into a black rock covered in the bad deeds of humanity.
A messy tune was always played inside my ribs, the city of my demons never sleeps, and it goes like:
Live with it, live with it all
The very best of burning shall illuminate your eyesight to the pain
Never-ending one,
Dance with the knife cutting inside you,
Alone without your whole
Engulfed by the secret melodies of torture,
La la .. live with it,
There will be no heroes nor a charming knights,
We took your soul and wiped it clean
Take your time to see it vividly
Live with it now
Set yourself free by only believing
Faith of tomorrow will do to you nothing
Surrounded by the black drums of your tired heart
Live with it all.. foolishly
Live with it all..
Over with the night of today.

My lullaby that sends me away, every night, i sing it loud enough to break freely.
I built my heart for the breaking and my soul was moved to the sky.
And to answer your question, what could go wrong, dear?
There's no such pain nor safety. So, fight them. Furiously and dirty. you're not the master of your mind nor your heart. The only bright truth there is, you're the master of your battles. No one will fight for you. So sharpen your sword and get onto your horse, let the power set you free. Let the wind hold you up. I hope for you that lights guide you home. Just like mine guided me to my infinity.

Live with it all.

Everglow

The sun wasn't up anymore and darkness had acknowledged its presence and surrounded the whole wide sky. It was a moonless sky, with no stars to be seen or illuminated for our lost souls. you can hear the rustle of the leaves and the howling of the wind. it was so captivating the sound of the winter united with my thoughts. with no moon up there, the whole area was covered in pitch black noise of nothingness. I was wandering around the forest, lost in the hope of finding what was missing. Darkness has always been my home and my guides for the night were my blind eye and senses of nature. I'm lost but didn't want to be found. What would be nice about being saved? The cold wind embraced me like lovers do. But it didn't really matter because my heart was already burnt out and my soul was icy from the disappointments, nothing could make any difference to my being anymore. The coldness has embraced my whole and swallowed me into its oceans. What was the matter of being far? Whats the matter of distance? They are safe. Distance and walls are safe. Building high walls around me has always been safer for me and for everyone around me. I hope no one ever breaks them down, but if they did then i'll raise them even higher. The infinite is nothing but a lie, a horrible and ugly one. Forever is a misleading myth. Don't trust anyone who says those two words. I laid down on the sweet wet grass, listening to the deafening silence; i can hear nothing but my own thoughts echoing into the void. The sound of Thunders struck me out of my loop, the swift flash of the lightning enchanted me out of my misery. I've always found lightnings out of this dimension. They are fast, illuminated and powerful; just like how emotions strike us. Lightning would be the best representation for it. The sky looked like it was raging for every injustice, every failure, every disappointment anyone has had. It was so full of vigorous sounds of complete fury. I felt related to that scene, in fact I've always been attached to the sky and what happens inside its expanse. The wide dimension of it, enchanted my senses of all its glory. I've always belonged to the unknown, to the ultimate and absolute. The thought of me being homeless awakened me from the wonderment. I don't have the concept or belief of something that makes me feel home; that makes me feel alive and whole. I'm homeless from authenticity. The ink, pages and letters were made for my loneliness. Dripping ink into my heart to heal it from the overflowing ache. Everything is going well for my thoughts, the way of dealing with such wrench was making me suffer but in a hushed whisper.  Conceal and don't worry. Silence was my friend. Don't you see it? Even my thoughts are fickle. capriciousness would be invented for me. Will the light of my life will ever glow? Couldn't control that much of obsession with my erratic soul. 

I have those broken dreams and regretful thoughts. I don't want them sometimes, but I cant go on without them. It gets crowded inside me, with all of my risky mistakes and broken heart. The whistling of the wind echoing on, the surprising movement around me has brought me back to reality. My fear is smiling, and the adrenaline rushed into my veins like a poison. What could it be? I was so ready to let go. A roar captured me, i didn't have any chance to resist or fight. My lungs was too tired to even scream out loud to call for any help. But what help? Saving me from what? My own destiny? That was so absurd to think about. An act of foolishness like that wont save me. That polite scream for help will not alarm the world for my abuse like it didn't alarm them for my desperation. How to save a life?

Before I could finish that, it all ended in the midst of it.

I let go. And my light faded.. and ever glowed.