Everglow

The sun wasn't up anymore and darkness had acknowledged its presence and surrounded the whole wide sky. It was a moonless sky, with no stars to be seen or illuminated for our lost souls. you can hear the rustle of the leaves and the howling of the wind. it was so captivating the sound of the winter united with my thoughts. with no moon up there, the whole area was covered in pitch black noise of nothingness. I was wandering around the forest, lost in the hope of finding what was missing. Darkness has always been my home and my guides for the night were my blind eye and senses of nature. I'm lost but didn't want to be found. What would be nice about being saved? The cold wind embraced me like lovers do. But it didn't really matter because my heart was already burnt out and my soul was icy from the disappointments, nothing could make any difference to my being anymore. The coldness has embraced my whole and swallowed me into its oceans. What was the matter of being far? Whats the matter of distance? They are safe. Distance and walls are safe. Building high walls around me has always been safer for me and for everyone around me. I hope no one ever breaks them down, but if they did then i'll raise them even higher. The infinite is nothing but a lie, a horrible and ugly one. Forever is a misleading myth. Don't trust anyone who says those two words. I laid down on the sweet wet grass, listening to the deafening silence; i can hear nothing but my own thoughts echoing into the void. The sound of Thunders struck me out of my loop, the swift flash of the lightning enchanted me out of my misery. I've always found lightnings out of this dimension. They are fast, illuminated and powerful; just like how emotions strike us. Lightning would be the best representation for it. The sky looked like it was raging for every injustice, every failure, every disappointment anyone has had. It was so full of vigorous sounds of complete fury. I felt related to that scene, in fact I've always been attached to the sky and what happens inside its expanse. The wide dimension of it, enchanted my senses of all its glory. I've always belonged to the unknown, to the ultimate and absolute. The thought of me being homeless awakened me from the wonderment. I don't have the concept or belief of something that makes me feel home; that makes me feel alive and whole. I'm homeless from authenticity. The ink, pages and letters were made for my loneliness. Dripping ink into my heart to heal it from the overflowing ache. Everything is going well for my thoughts, the way of dealing with such wrench was making me suffer but in a hushed whisper.  Conceal and don't worry. Silence was my friend. Don't you see it? Even my thoughts are fickle. capriciousness would be invented for me. Will the light of my life will ever glow? Couldn't control that much of obsession with my erratic soul. 

I have those broken dreams and regretful thoughts. I don't want them sometimes, but I cant go on without them. It gets crowded inside me, with all of my risky mistakes and broken heart. The whistling of the wind echoing on, the surprising movement around me has brought me back to reality. My fear is smiling, and the adrenaline rushed into my veins like a poison. What could it be? I was so ready to let go. A roar captured me, i didn't have any chance to resist or fight. My lungs was too tired to even scream out loud to call for any help. But what help? Saving me from what? My own destiny? That was so absurd to think about. An act of foolishness like that wont save me. That polite scream for help will not alarm the world for my abuse like it didn't alarm them for my desperation. How to save a life?

Before I could finish that, it all ended in the midst of it.

I let go. And my light faded.. and ever glowed.