Thursday, July 30, 2020

Blue Extremes

The crushing wave of emotions that hit you both with hope and faith, pain and despair. What is this? 
The paradox and messiness of it all. A shore of an awakening clarity of both sides of the mind. The hopefulness and courage of it all.
The human emotions and emptiness are indeed a fascinating yet challenging game to enjoy and envy.
For me.. I hate having the curse of being at the extremes of them.
No grey for me. Just black or white.
No life jacket for me. Just the shore or the waves.
All or nothing. My fondness of extremes is the same for the color “blue”. 
Blue for the highest soaring skies, and for the deepest angriest oceans. As I carry blue inside of me, I carry the extremes too. 
You can find me flying or free falling.. never walking steadily.
I prefer to be a broken fallen angel or a sunken mermaid than a safe and sound girl.

A Catalogue for love?

My saddest part of this heart of my own.. is that I don’t feel like I’m being loved right. Do you know this feeling? The incompleteness. I’ve never felt like I’m being loved right.. Sometimes I think it’s my fault.. but what if it isn’t?! 
I feel like I’m forcing others to love me probably. Like I'm showing them the catalogue of my heart and emotions! Telling someone how to love you is breaking. How can you just work with this vaguely desperate feeling? 
Like love in itself isn’t complicated enough!
Usually yes you gotta tell others how to treat you better and how to act around you. But, how to love you?
How terribly disappointing this is.. 
sigh. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

As the name of the blog may suggest, I have a deep connection with December, besides being born in this month. December was throughout my years a life changing month in every aspect. Like there's a storm that's been happening inside of my soul all year long, but at December everything just sinks in, and it all comes to a closure and a magical ending. If anyone asked me what do you mean? I would certainly wait for a minute or two to compose my thoughts first. It's just, the feeling of being freed after a whole 11 months being captivated and haunted with a mixed aura and energy.

December had always been when i shine through. It had its magic and power over me. Like, that was the time a prophecy could come true and I could finally be a superhero.. That kind of magic.
That moment of clarity that hits you and sets everything into place.. that was my peace with December's arrival. A comforting reassurance that whatever happens and how long it took me to be okay.. December is here for me to get me right to where I need to be.

It's more of a committed loving bond between us, I wait for December's arrival to vent and let it all out and I know i'll be saved and protected.

Monday, July 20, 2020

Love Or Die?


Somewhere near central Italy, at Tuscany, right in Florence, among the sunflowers fields, soft sunshine and breezy light wind of summer. There she sat, Mia, the farmer's daughter, the night before she had just celebrated her 25th birthday. Her reddish brown locks fly playfully with every being at the field. She had just finished her college life at Santa Reparata International School Of Art. Her family isn't the wealthiest one but she was lucky to have a full scholarship due to her excessive work, effort and passion.
This simple yet soulful way of her lifestyle was what she always needed, till the day she will find out that this wasn't the way she wanted. Or, is the fate who doesn't want it for her?
She's her parent's only child, their one and only grace. Her life had gone by so calmly and slowly.
                                                                      
Until, a one early morning she's woken up by a loud clash downstairs. She tiptoed till she reached the staircase, and waited to listen to some murmurs that followed up the clash and shouting, it looks like her father and a strange woman.. arguing and whispering about HER?  "Alesso, you have to tell her! She hasn't got any much time. It's not her fault she was born to our family with this curse. Does Gianna know? Or you haven't told her too I assume!" the stranger exclaimed. "Alessa, turn down your voice! Of course I haven't told them yet. Sister, you have to understand that it's aching for me! How can I tell my only baby that the sand in her life's hourglass is about to shed its last granule for you?! Oh what fate is this!" her father said with a drenching, clear grief and agony.

So this is my aunt? How Peculiar! My father hadn't mentioned that he has a sister, and she looks like she's his twin too. Oh, what secrets am I about to unveil.. And, Am I ready? Looks like I don't have much time to do that anyway. Mia's knees couldn't hold her any longer, so she fell down on the top of the staircase, causing a loud alarming thump. 

Her father and Alessa shared a concerning knowing eye contact and went for the staircase, and found her staring blankly with hot silent tears streaming down her cheeks. Panic and fright is swarming around her like hungry sharks, and she had sunken into their ocean like a helpless little fish.

"But, what does this even mean? I didn't even finish dreaming about my upcoming adventures and life routes." She stated weakly, the words falling from her insides into the void.
Her father rushed to her and held her, calming her down.
Alessa took a deep breath and without any hesitation decided to take the chance to confront her with this heavy dark secret. She went on telling her the tale of the curse.

 It all began when Alessa and Alesso's father, Mia's grandfather, fell in love deeply and destructively with a southern witch at Juliet's house at Verona. 
That witch was just a delicate young lady named, Mirabella who was praying to be loved, and have a fairytale like love story. That's when Pietro, Mia's grandfather, emerged into her eye level from behind the bench she was seated on. And in a flash of light, they fell in love at the cursed Juliet's house; but to their misfortune their love story became cursed as Romeo and Juliet's story as well.

His family came after him, trying to separate them, and then they came after her years after years, until they captured and banished her in an unknown place. Pietro searched for her over and over but he gave her up and moved on with his life. He got married and had the twins, Alessa and Alesso. 

Mirabella broke free after being abducted for 25 years, finding that he had already settled down and broke not only her heart but her whole being. Her powers became stronger than ever before and she became hungry for vengeance. She visited him one year after the birth of the twins. And cast her curse on them, overpowered and damned him that he shan't see his grandchildren live more her dark times. When, the twins shall give birth to a child after it turn 25 years, the same amount of time he let her rot and cry her soul out, will fall dead. Only, a pure sacrifice could be the antidote that shall left this curse. 

Gianna appeared with tears and utter horror mirrored in her eyes and expression, begging for her only child's life. Before anyone could utter a single syllable, Mia had decided her fate. She rushed down the stairs, running through the field, down the road, till she was standing in front of the grand old white house of her grandfather. 

She dashed onto the farmhouse, where he spends his early mornings, "Grandpa!" she called for him at the top of her lungs. But, when she entered the farmhouse, there was another surprising guest came for her grandfather too.. And probably for her too. The vigorous, devilishly beautiful Mirabella was waiting for her. "So, after knowing your fate, dear child. Which will it be? Sacrificing or dying?"  She wickedly smirked. 

Mia couldn't comprehend if this was the pure horror and confusion she felt, or her great fright on her family that came over her. Nevertheless, she had made up her mind. Numbness took over her, while she gave up her youth, soul and dreams for this hungry creature. 

Death for Mia wasn't a frivolous matter; it was just as essential and soulful as life. And her fear on her beloved ones was much stronger and urging than her own ego. At last, Mirabella was dead inside because of a broken heart and love. So was Mia.. Her death would be a celebration for love. Her one and true belief. May her soul fly above the wide sunflower field she had seen the first seed of love planted there.

Friday, July 17, 2020

The Tales Goes Like This

The perfect handsome tall intelligent considerate well mannered decent young man, the breathtakingly beautiful clever witty funny shy young woman, the obstacle, the fall and the swooping, the love and the thrill of it all, the moments and stolen eye contacts, the music, the details, the letters, the fantasies, the dreams, the future, the memories, and finally, the ending.

Here comes the pain, the guilt, the regret, the nostalgia, the despise, the longing, the dreams, the memories, the future, the fantasies, the letters, the details, the music, the moments and stolen eye contacts, the love and the thrill of it all and finally, the desperation.

Nothing but the distance, the numbness, the break, the messiness, the sarcasm and finally, the bitterness of it all.

What's the point of it all? The moments will turn into haunting memories and the pain will take your being its home. It never goes away and it never gets better, you just get better with pretending. We try to fool ourselves but the truth is, there's nobody to fool. We just love the numbness and bleakness.
The ghosts of them shall haunt you, mostly at your best times.. and that what makes it a living hell.

A Hopeless Romantic

Throughout my years, I've believed, seen, felt and experienced love. Love from first sight, conversation, laughter and even dreams. Friends to lovers. Strangers to lovers. Even, haters to lovers. I think I've had it all, didn't I? Well, let leave the answer to the world.
The thing is, love is rather twisted and bizarre and confusing and drives to the highest forms of being insane. Literally. You could have the courage to throw yourself from a rooftop or in front of a car and you wouldn't give a shit about getting hurt. And I  guess that's the thing with love, it's a drug. It's stimulates your poor heart and rushes you with more adrenaline to do those stupidest craziest acts of love. Or aren't they acts of utter foolishness? I mean seriously, what the mystery between the excess courage and love? It's almost like those tales we'd read about love potions.
I don't about you, but I certainly speak for myself when I say that I'm an utter hopeless romantic. Almost a pathetic one. But I don't really mind.
My whole childhood went by reading fairy tales, listening about the heroic act of the prince charming saving his princess and the knight in shinning armor on his white horse to take his gracious lover away. And my teenage years and till now, I still sink into my bed watching rom coms, the sappy cliche ones and the fascinating heartwarming ones, and even the crappy cheesy ones. I'm a sucker for a good love story. Even my most reads, where about romance and the pain of it.
But, what blows my mind, why is love always connected with pain with me? Like how, I almost feel like if i didn't feel the pain then I'm not feeling any love. Could be my love compass have broken.
Oh, well.. our beliefs and aspects of love is wide and free and that what makes love is the most fundamental and the essence of this shitty love anyhow.
Wow, I'm writing this while downloading Sleepless in Seattle. 

But seriously, does love ever had a happy ending or it's just in the blockbuster movies? To be honest, I kinda enjoy seeing others' love stories and their happy endings rather than experience one myself.
This is me, apologizing for my heart which I had broken too many times that I dont even think it still works. I'm sorry for you, but I hope you just start bumping blood nothing more and stop it with those silly dreamy feelings. I've had enough of feeling, I'll just stick to my novels and movies..
Oh, Sleepless in Seattle has downloaded. Now, excuse me I've some tears to cry out.

The mystery of belonging.

 Is it a myth of meant to be? Another night while I wake up hyper focused on that aching hitting me like a crashing wave. It rushes over me ...