The mystery of belonging.

 Is it a myth of meant to be?

Another night while I wake up hyper focused on that aching hitting me like a crashing wave. It rushes over me like a wave of mixed agony and despair. Sometimes, I feel like a supernova.. just imploding over and over over time with only a “beautiful shiny” light coming through. This is so complicated to write.. I didn’t think it would be like this. I think I need a minute.

My body is my enemy.. always retrieving the trembles of the past without a warning.. they just sneak up on me like a screamer killer yet I’m deaf as night.

I have no corner to run up to.. I’ve spent my entire life running.. just running in circles with nothing to do except chasing my shadows. Everything else is a far memory. But tonight, the rejection and loneliness just hit even harder.. the night I was diagnosed with ADHD and actually read about it.

All of the shame, rage, emotional struggles, the burden of being a burden, the intensity and the all or nothing in everything. There was no map to guide me throughout all this time. The rushing of responses and thoughts that always, always seems like a deafening death threat. The bells of my arrival yet my departure.

Nothing’s ever this simple with me. But then why when I’ve found my divergence it feels even lonelier and not comforting as I hoped? I think I’ve always lived in a mistaken life or a stolen soul or a stuck mind. I feel so far away from myself yet so close to her. The dissociation of it all.

To find out that all of those vivid daydreams were just me shutting down by my own rules. All of my avoidance was just me seeking comfort and freedom but in the wrong places in the most lethal pace. Always extremes, not balance. The messiness was not my pattern as I believed it’s just an abyss of time blindness and sensory overload.

Oh how I feel to not feel so non-existent. Always dysfunctional and behind. Always pushing the dominos to find them flying above my head.

At this point, it’s not even a rollercoaster, it’s much more of a trampoline.. or walking the line to find a heaving pack of wolves gnawing at me. Only again, to find them my senses striking and beating me up to dream of “normal”.

The scared child in me, is just begging … begging for the time of being released from those thistle chains called life.

Maybe .. ?

 

Maybe I'm not meant to have the things i believe in the most. Maybe I'll always get a glimpse of it then it'll be taken away from me. Maybe I'll always believe in them, but they'll never be mine. And that's what it is, and I must make peace with this "ironically, belief".

Maybe it's written in the stars for others, but not written in mine. Maybe I'll always desire and dream about it but It's not mine to keep nor have. Maybe It's a problem I have or been cursed with, but I'll always ache for it, and I must deal and live with it. My stars fell.

My stars fell or imploded into a supernova and left me hanging by a thread. So caught up in my fantasies and beliefs and had to go through hell to finally understand the lesson. I may not live all those fantasies or beliefs, but I'll write about them vividly for others to read.

A lifetime

By the humming of the wind, 

An angel laid on the ocean, 

Shaking the waves with her eyes,

Blueness was surrounding her day,

Apart of the courage to say, 

She held the magic within with such grace,

How come someone never saw her?

Music should be played for such beauty,

Echoes of the shore shared her feelings,

Nature guarded her wings,

Choosing wrong wasn’t a sin,

It’s just a mistaken place to be,

Demanding change wasn’t a destiny,

Lost her time, 

But blood is still rushing on,

Deep inside the strength was a mask,

Naivety is the whole truth,

Wear your pain,

Paint it with the ocean,

Waves shall roll you under,

To the blueness of the dawn,

With your name, 

You’ll be forgotten,

Mercy’s on your side,

A night is all you’re gonna need,

And a lifetime is all you shall have.

I Don't Know How

Does it get easier or we just get used to it? Are we healed or we're just distracted? Are we're alive or we're just existing?

Oh God.. so much questions and thoughts and I'm so done wondering about what is happening to me.I'm fed up with the fact that I'm just wandering around my existence with no mere purpose or some direction. My compass is deflecting and my maps were blown away and here I am .. just distracted by the howling of the wind .. Thunders break through my skies and I'm thunderstruck for a little while.. blinded by the light of hope .. but the flashing light of it quickly fades away into the blueness of my skies.

And here I can see my boat, sailing through the ocean, eager to cut the waves but for how long can its eagerness linger? It's only a little and then it sunken down ..

Pitch black and pale blue.

A Far Memory

 Beginning of December, midnight, the sky mixed with the darkness of the night, moonless night, the rain was pouring heavily like it's grieving her absent moon, under Brooklyn Bridge, her black vintage mustang racing the wind, Sinatra's voice adding a new mood to the night, headlights illuminating the pitch black view, the bridge was empty, only her, and her soaking wet black coat, her dancing wet hair, and the infinite open sky. There was a mysterious aura about this scene.

But all what she needed right now, was the feeling of infinite control. That she's in charge of something in her messy life. That roller coaster of her feelings had overwhelmed her enough that week. She needed to conquer all of her demons even if it's going to be a momentary flash memory. The speed had always calmed her. Adrenaline rushes into her veins, the wildness of freedom. Let go.

Wide limitless open road spread in front of her, the wind shaking her dark thoughts out of her mind, the rain hugging her tears and embracing her numbness, the sound of music soothing her nerves. And then, she starts to feel herself again. In control, she can do it. She can be what she wants, what she needs. No one can take over her being. All of it are gone, the illusions, the broken dreams and the drunken lies, all are gone. Nothing but the comforting silence and the open road. She knows that this is nothing but a lie that she tries so hard to live in.

That night, she lacked the strength to move or to even think. Think? She wasted her years just thinking about everything and nothing at all. What now? It's all wasted. Her broken pieces are scattered around her and all she can do is just watch them closely and close her eyes, praying that the end of this nightmare is near.

Every minute, she speeds up, the feeling of danger wakes her senses up after a lifetime of numbness. The roar of the motor, welcomes the smell of burning rubber. The wind screams. The sky cries.

Her mind wakes up and replays her moments, all of them, the bad and the good ones.

After every moment and memory, she speeds up more and more.

 The deafening sound of the screams inside her mind, fails to wake her up.

Not in control of the car, but she was in control of her ending.

Spinning endlessly, crashing, falling..

Racing in circles, her faded favourite song celebrating the ending and also the new beginning.

Falling into the unknown, free falling into the ocean.. such a waste.

Falling from the deafening screams, from the poisoned demons, from herself.

The moment of crashing into the waves, uniting with the unknown.

The unknown that she was waiting for. She understood it now. How does it all feels like.

They will all forget. But that's okay.

This time it isn’t a nightmare she won't wake up from.. it's her new dream

And it did finally came true.

Holding onto nothingness. 

And someday, they're all going to understand.

In her car, she left her only legacy. Her words. Her last conversation with her mind.

                                                                                                                       

You're nothing but a failure. And that's what they always want me to feel and believe in. That's why I'm better off on my own. You will never be something! You're such a disappointment! Stop being such a naive kid. Protect your heart. Isolate yourself. Stop being too dumb. Quit caring. Try to be perfect. Be cold. Isolate your fucking self. Stop loving. Stop caring. You're better off your own. You're too fragile for this world. You'll be shattered just like glass. Isolate yourself. Raise your wall higher and higher. Conceal. Don't feel. Don’t let your heart beat. Kill yourself with loneliness. Be scared. The higher you get, the lower you'll sink. Accusations. Cut off. Cut yourself. Cut your sadness away. Cut your soul away. Bury your face. Cry your heart out. Why are you happy? I'm your mind and I control you.

Agony shall surround you forever. You're your own prisoner.

You shan't break free from me. You're better off on your own.

Isolate yourself. It's not worth it.

Nothing gets easy.

The wind is howling outside, announcing midnight, your favourite time, to start drifting away into your dark side. Let the waves drown you. Heaviness covers you. Locked away. You can't say goodbye. Trapped inside with your ghosts. Bravery has abandoned you. Got the music in you. Cover your ears and listen to your illusions. See the darkness around you. Feel the silence. What are you? Who are you? What is happening to your being?  Suffocate.

It's time to raise your walls up high again. But this time, you shall never destroy them again. Don’t let anyone close. Believe it, you're better off on your own. Don’t let your foolishness drive you wild again. Cut it off. You're sick and mad. And that's not a choice, it's your destiny.

My dear, sing it loud.. You're better off on your own. Everything you touch, surly dies.

Sing it again. See? The moon is shinning bright in the starry sky. But, what a shame! Your sky will never have its moon. You're unseen. You're a ghost. Everyone leaves my dear, no matter how much they promised. So please, stop building high hopes. Pray for your healing.

When will you make your decision? Your heart shall never be fixed. You're the one who's breaking it. You love this pan, don't you? You're chocked up. You fell into pieces.

See? The breath you take will go and fade away

Just like your luck, aren't you afraid from that day?

What a remarkable legacy you will leave!

Uneven broken heart and demons dancing inside your ribs.

A bottomless ocean of pain.

You're missing your life during your presence.

Are you even here? Do you feel?

Numbness took control of you.

Your being is cold and distant.

And my dear, your touch, it's grey

You're beyond farewell.

So, is it? Is it the fear of not being well again?

It's not that easy.

Time takes you back when everything had started.

But, dear, it's your time to let it go.

Where are your high hopes?

End it my dear.

But this time, with no blood.

I need you here.

So please, stay.

Don't you go.

How will this world keep spinning without you?

What a curse shall I live without your whole.

Dilemma

The anger rushes into my veins, I feel my heart imploding, and everything start spinning.. is it just a normal panic attack? Whatever it is. I hate it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a ghost floating looking beyond and watching myself .. how  i act, think and just be. How I am. And I'm almost sure that I don't like what i see. it's so paradoxical and strange.. to shed your thick skin and let the world gets under it.. the anger and rage outside has found a home inside of my being.. 

I cant fathom it anymore .. did i let it dilute my essence till i'm no longer me, myself? or i was so light and almost finished and these feeling dwell me and somehow added a little bit of soul into me?

What am I and what define me? A lot of questions and theories keeps on imprison me more and more.. I guess I'm stuck inside this dilemma forever ... 

What dilemma is worse than do you exist and create or you're just a standing still creature who lays around waiting for salvation? 

Oh, I hope I'm alive and have a willpower between my finger before it all slips away.

I'm my own dilemma.. I need to wake up.

Aftermath

What is it with the Pandora box of secrets we all carry around? I doubt that no one's his own box. It's getting so messy. Secrets and paranoia cloud our minds and finally drive us off the edge. We try so hard to fight the one voice inside our minds telling us how to act, how to speak and even how to think. What kind of life is this? Guarding our sanity by literally driving our minds insane. No one signed up for this. 

The aftermath of certain actions and acts will always follow around and will shot your brains off til you wake up someday, drowning in your own blood bath, but you'll be standing and looking around you like a ghost. No self awareness nor higher level of spirituality shall stop your mind from wandering around those memories, acts or thoughts. You'll always be haunted. But it's your call to keep running or to stop and face the music and eventually dance on its beats.