A Far Memory

 Beginning of December, midnight, the sky mixed with the darkness of the night, moonless night, the rain was pouring heavily like it's grieving her absent moon, under Brooklyn Bridge, her black vintage mustang racing the wind, Sinatra's voice adding a new mood to the night, headlights illuminating the pitch black view, the bridge was empty, only her, and her soaking wet black coat, her dancing wet hair, and the infinite open sky. There was a mysterious aura about this scene.

But all what she needed right now, was the feeling of infinite control. That she's in charge of something in her messy life. That roller coaster of her feelings had overwhelmed her enough that week. She needed to conquer all of her demons even if it's going to be a momentary flash memory. The speed had always calmed her. Adrenaline rushes into her veins, the wildness of freedom. Let go.

Wide limitless open road spread in front of her, the wind shaking her dark thoughts out of her mind, the rain hugging her tears and embracing her numbness, the sound of music soothing her nerves. And then, she starts to feel herself again. In control, she can do it. She can be what she wants, what she needs. No one can take over her being. All of it are gone, the illusions, the broken dreams and the drunken lies, all are gone. Nothing but the comforting silence and the open road. She knows that this is nothing but a lie that she tries so hard to live in.

That night, she lacked the strength to move or to even think. Think? She wasted her years just thinking about everything and nothing at all. What now? It's all wasted. Her broken pieces are scattered around her and all she can do is just watch them closely and close her eyes, praying that the end of this nightmare is near.

Every minute, she speeds up, the feeling of danger wakes her senses up after a lifetime of numbness. The roar of the motor, welcomes the smell of burning rubber. The wind screams. The sky cries.

Her mind wakes up and replays her moments, all of them, the bad and the good ones.

After every moment and memory, she speeds up more and more.

 The deafening sound of the screams inside her mind, fails to wake her up.

Not in control of the car, but she was in control of her ending.

Spinning endlessly, crashing, falling..

Racing in circles, her faded favourite song celebrating the ending and also the new beginning.

Falling into the unknown, free falling into the ocean.. such a waste.

Falling from the deafening screams, from the poisoned demons, from herself.

The moment of crashing into the waves, uniting with the unknown.

The unknown that she was waiting for. She understood it now. How does it all feels like.

They will all forget. But that's okay.

This time it isn’t a nightmare she won't wake up from.. it's her new dream

And it did finally came true.

Holding onto nothingness. 

And someday, they're all going to understand.

In her car, she left her only legacy. Her words. Her last conversation with her mind.

                                                                                                                       

You're nothing but a failure. And that's what they always want me to feel and believe in. That's why I'm better off on my own. You will never be something! You're such a disappointment! Stop being such a naive kid. Protect your heart. Isolate yourself. Stop being too dumb. Quit caring. Try to be perfect. Be cold. Isolate your fucking self. Stop loving. Stop caring. You're better off your own. You're too fragile for this world. You'll be shattered just like glass. Isolate yourself. Raise your wall higher and higher. Conceal. Don't feel. Don’t let your heart beat. Kill yourself with loneliness. Be scared. The higher you get, the lower you'll sink. Accusations. Cut off. Cut yourself. Cut your sadness away. Cut your soul away. Bury your face. Cry your heart out. Why are you happy? I'm your mind and I control you.

Agony shall surround you forever. You're your own prisoner.

You shan't break free from me. You're better off on your own.

Isolate yourself. It's not worth it.

Nothing gets easy.

The wind is howling outside, announcing midnight, your favourite time, to start drifting away into your dark side. Let the waves drown you. Heaviness covers you. Locked away. You can't say goodbye. Trapped inside with your ghosts. Bravery has abandoned you. Got the music in you. Cover your ears and listen to your illusions. See the darkness around you. Feel the silence. What are you? Who are you? What is happening to your being?  Suffocate.

It's time to raise your walls up high again. But this time, you shall never destroy them again. Don’t let anyone close. Believe it, you're better off on your own. Don’t let your foolishness drive you wild again. Cut it off. You're sick and mad. And that's not a choice, it's your destiny.

My dear, sing it loud.. You're better off on your own. Everything you touch, surly dies.

Sing it again. See? The moon is shinning bright in the starry sky. But, what a shame! Your sky will never have its moon. You're unseen. You're a ghost. Everyone leaves my dear, no matter how much they promised. So please, stop building high hopes. Pray for your healing.

When will you make your decision? Your heart shall never be fixed. You're the one who's breaking it. You love this pan, don't you? You're chocked up. You fell into pieces.

See? The breath you take will go and fade away

Just like your luck, aren't you afraid from that day?

What a remarkable legacy you will leave!

Uneven broken heart and demons dancing inside your ribs.

A bottomless ocean of pain.

You're missing your life during your presence.

Are you even here? Do you feel?

Numbness took control of you.

Your being is cold and distant.

And my dear, your touch, it's grey

You're beyond farewell.

So, is it? Is it the fear of not being well again?

It's not that easy.

Time takes you back when everything had started.

But, dear, it's your time to let it go.

Where are your high hopes?

End it my dear.

But this time, with no blood.

I need you here.

So please, stay.

Don't you go.

How will this world keep spinning without you?

What a curse shall I live without your whole.